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elynross, and I'm taking my cue from her and putting the full text of this under a cut, so as not to drive traffic to the original, from The Onion opinion page (Link is http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-tell-ya-until-ive-had-my-morning-coffee-i-am-jus,17618/, if you want it to use when writing to The Onion staff.).
Warning: the text below the cut tag is a horrifying and probably triggering attempt at "humor," and the cut tag text, which is the title of the "opinion," is just the beginning.
By Brett Simmons
June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24
If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. Dragging my sorry bottom out of bed is about the hardest thing in the world, and once I do stumble downstairs, I'm already dreaming about getting back under the covers. I'm groggy, I'm cranky, and, until I get that first precious sip of piping hot coffee, I'm a total rapist.
Like I always say, "Just hand over the coffee and nobody gets sexually assaulted!"
Here's a little friendly advice: Do not try to talk to me before I've had my 16 ounces of Brain Juice. I'll just mumble something unintelligible, rape you, and probably shoot you the dirtiest look you've ever seen, to boot. I can't help it!
But all it takes is one whiff of that first pot brewing, and I swear, it's like the clouds part, the sun comes out, and I don't feel like raping quite so much. That's when I give a Hallelujah and thank God, because the coffee's on its way and I do not want to spend any more time in a federal penitentiary!
Most days, I'm not even a functioning human being without my morning mug of French roast. I'm all "leave me alone, back off, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, I haven't had my coffee yet."
Come to think of it, my dad was a pretty big coffee drinker, too. I remember waking up early with my brothers and sisters to watch Saturday cartoons until Pops, like a mean old bear, came barreling down the stairs, growling for his coffee. And when he did, boy, you'd better believe we steered clear of him.
Otherwise we'd get the raping of our lives!
The thing is, I'm actually a pretty pleasant guy once I get past those morning mopeys. Talk to me any other time of day, and you'd never guess I'm someone who, without his cup of joe, will rape you repeatedly and without warning. But what can I say? I guess I'm just addicted to my daily dose of brew and a rapist.
Lucky for me, the folks at my office are very understanding. It's quite the running joke among my coworkers, actually. "Whatever you do, don't get between Brett and his coffee, because he'll rape you if you do! He's literally raped everyone who's ever done that!"
It's true. My trusty java is the only thing that separates me from people who walk around like angry zombies and serially rape anyone within a quarter-mile radius.
You might say, "Brett, why don't you just give up coffee altogether?" I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Once. It lasted all of three hours and God knows how many rapes. In fact, I think it even made things worse! Just ask my poor assistant Lacy. And my project manager Dan. And the entire sales staff, everyone at the supermarket, several joggers, three dogs, and that UPS driver. Criminy, I almost tore that guy a new one!
But, hey, nobody's perfect. I just make sure to keep a jumbo travel mug with me at all times, carry lots of pepper spray, and never order coffee from a drive-thru for various logistical reasons. It's a tough world out there, and if you need a little extra kick to get going in the morning, so be it. I certainly won't judge. Although I will probably rape you.
Isn't that just the funniest thing you've ever heard? /sarcasm
If you feel the urge to write and complain about this (and please, PLEASE feel the urge), here are points of contact/emails:
CEO (Steve Hannah at shannah@theonion.com), Chairman (David Schafer, davidkschafer@gmail.com), COO Mike McAvoy (mcavoy@theonion.com), and Senior VP Bill Wernecke (bwernecke@theonion.com), as well as the general editorial office email (editorial@theonion.com).
I wrote to them, and hope all of you will, as well. Please share this and get the word out.
elynross, and I'm taking my cue from her and putting the full text of this under a cut, so as not to drive traffic to the original, from The Onion opinion page (Link is http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-tell-ya-until-ive-had-my-morning-coffee-i-am-jus,17618/, if you want it to use when writing to The Onion staff.).Warning: the text below the cut tag is a horrifying and probably triggering attempt at "humor," and the cut tag text, which is the title of the "opinion," is just the beginning.
By Brett Simmons
June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24
If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. Dragging my sorry bottom out of bed is about the hardest thing in the world, and once I do stumble downstairs, I'm already dreaming about getting back under the covers. I'm groggy, I'm cranky, and, until I get that first precious sip of piping hot coffee, I'm a total rapist.
Like I always say, "Just hand over the coffee and nobody gets sexually assaulted!"
Here's a little friendly advice: Do not try to talk to me before I've had my 16 ounces of Brain Juice. I'll just mumble something unintelligible, rape you, and probably shoot you the dirtiest look you've ever seen, to boot. I can't help it!
But all it takes is one whiff of that first pot brewing, and I swear, it's like the clouds part, the sun comes out, and I don't feel like raping quite so much. That's when I give a Hallelujah and thank God, because the coffee's on its way and I do not want to spend any more time in a federal penitentiary!
Most days, I'm not even a functioning human being without my morning mug of French roast. I'm all "leave me alone, back off, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, I haven't had my coffee yet."
Come to think of it, my dad was a pretty big coffee drinker, too. I remember waking up early with my brothers and sisters to watch Saturday cartoons until Pops, like a mean old bear, came barreling down the stairs, growling for his coffee. And when he did, boy, you'd better believe we steered clear of him.
Otherwise we'd get the raping of our lives!
The thing is, I'm actually a pretty pleasant guy once I get past those morning mopeys. Talk to me any other time of day, and you'd never guess I'm someone who, without his cup of joe, will rape you repeatedly and without warning. But what can I say? I guess I'm just addicted to my daily dose of brew and a rapist.
Lucky for me, the folks at my office are very understanding. It's quite the running joke among my coworkers, actually. "Whatever you do, don't get between Brett and his coffee, because he'll rape you if you do! He's literally raped everyone who's ever done that!"
It's true. My trusty java is the only thing that separates me from people who walk around like angry zombies and serially rape anyone within a quarter-mile radius.
You might say, "Brett, why don't you just give up coffee altogether?" I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Once. It lasted all of three hours and God knows how many rapes. In fact, I think it even made things worse! Just ask my poor assistant Lacy. And my project manager Dan. And the entire sales staff, everyone at the supermarket, several joggers, three dogs, and that UPS driver. Criminy, I almost tore that guy a new one!
But, hey, nobody's perfect. I just make sure to keep a jumbo travel mug with me at all times, carry lots of pepper spray, and never order coffee from a drive-thru for various logistical reasons. It's a tough world out there, and if you need a little extra kick to get going in the morning, so be it. I certainly won't judge. Although I will probably rape you.
Isn't that just the funniest thing you've ever heard? /sarcasm
If you feel the urge to write and complain about this (and please, PLEASE feel the urge), here are points of contact/emails:
CEO (Steve Hannah at shannah@theonion.com), Chairman (David Schafer, davidkschafer@gmail.com), COO Mike McAvoy (mcavoy@theonion.com), and Senior VP Bill Wernecke (bwernecke@theonion.com), as well as the general editorial office email (editorial@theonion.com).
I wrote to them, and hope all of you will, as well. Please share this and get the word out.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-06-17 11:06 pm (UTC)Who in the hell would EVER write something like that and then allow it to be posted?!?!?
The mind. It boggles.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-17 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-17 11:17 pm (UTC)Dear editorial team of the Onion,
I want to express my disgust and amazement about the following article http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-tell-ya-until-ive-had-my-morning-coffee-i-am-jus,17618/ I completely understand the satirical style of the Onion, and I've enjoyed it for years, but this crosses a terrible line, offending and triggering many people who have been affected by the traumatic event of rape. By treating such a serious matter with absolute disrespect and inappropriate mockery, you are not only degrading your own website, but also demonstrating the lack of respect you have for rape victims regardless of their gender. Abuse of any kind is not something that should be a laughing stock, nor is it even funny - the use of 'rape' and 'being a rapist' makes absolutely no sense in the article. Even worse, you portray a casual acceptance about such traumatic acts, which surpasses the entire context of the text being written 'for satirical amusement' and straight up tolerates an extremely serious crime. I urge you to have a look at a website such as http://here4victims.tripod.com/rape/ to become aware of the devastating marks rape leaves of the life and body of an assaulted person, and consider if you would still find your article appropriate if your child, wife, husband, mother, sister, brother or a close friend of you had been raped. Do yourself, all of your readers and rape victims everywhere the courtesy of not having that degrading and terrible article on your website.
Regards,
A
no subject
Date: 2010-06-17 11:21 pm (UTC)What is WRONG with people?
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 12:38 am (UTC)Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised about the whole ghostwriting thing - what actually might be a really good way to go over this (except I just dont have the time to figure this out), but if someone would track down the male model of that pic or the agency that has a license about that pic - if you would contact them, I'm sure they would be not amused about this use of their images.
I actually just got an idea and emailed Feministing.com about that article and included the email info for the editorial team, asking if maybe Feministing can put this up on their site and urge their readers as well to take action about this. Fingers crossed!! Maybe someone could point this out to Jezebel.com as well!
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 12:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 12:06 am (UTC)*sigh*
Someone else on my f-list just posted about an internment camp fic in ice-skating fandom. Yet someone else just posted about a bandom fic that apparently makes one of the characters (who's Jewish IRL) a Catholic priest, and... WTF. Is there something in the fucking water?
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 12:13 am (UTC)MY FIFTEEN YR OLD SON CAN SEE IT'S WRONG! Why can't the writers/editors of the magazine???
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 12:17 am (UTC)No, seriously, I don't know. Obviously, someone on the writing staff came up with the idea. Someone (possibly a different someone) on the writing staff wrote it up. Someone edited it, someone audienced it, someone approved it for posting -- and NOT A SINGLE PERSON, apparently, said, "hey, wait a sec..." -- SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?!
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 12:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 07:05 am (UTC)my email
Date: 2010-06-18 06:28 am (UTC)Salutations assholes,
In regards to your story: http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-tell-ya-until-ive-had-my-morning-coffee-i-am-jus,17618/
I wish someone had told me that being raped was so funny last year when it actually happened to me. Then I could have joked about it to all my friends! Or maybe I should have just offered my rapist some coffee? And then he would have stopped!
I have always respected the timely political satire The Onion produces, but this article? Is neither timely, satirical nor humorous. It is completely offensive, and not in that artsy, edgy way that the dipshits who wrote it thought they were going for.
Being raped is not a joke. It's not a subject that should be dismissed so easily as your writing and editorial staff did in the formation of this article. I sincerely hope that your staff sit down tomorrow and think about what type of world we live in when 78 people are raped every single hour in the US(1) and yet your staff thought that rape, and being raped, is a subject worthy of this type of callous, dismissive "humor." I hope you also take a moment to consider the fact that dismissive, jokey attitudes like this perpetuate rape culture and allow rapists to dismiss their own actions, and allow bystanders to allow rapes to happen without intervention.
I for one, will not be visiting the Onion's website, or picking up the hard copy any more, and I will encourage my friends to do the same.
Sincerely,
me
Re: my email
Date: 2010-06-18 06:57 am (UTC)I am so very sorry to hear that you were sexually assaulted, and that you have to deal with something like this. :( *offers hugs*
Re: my email
Date: 2010-06-18 08:36 am (UTC)Re: my email
Date: 2010-06-18 08:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 08:15 am (UTC)Oh yeah. Written.