a little bit about me

[mickeym]

The events of this past weekend have got me thinking about things I don't dredge up very often anymore, mostly because I've made peace (for the most part) with those things, but also because there are still sore spots, and no one likes pressing on things that hurt, right?



I was molested/assaulted by my stepbrother. For about two and a half years, give or take a few months.

He was 16, I was 12 when it started. Actually, technically, he was 15-almost-16, and I was just-turned-12. My mom started dating his dad in the fall of 1979, and looking back now I can see things I didn't see then -- or didn't have the world view/experience to recognize. Robert made inappropriate comments to me (99% of which flew right over my head), talked dirty to me (ditto), would arrange situations so that he and I were alone to watch TV in our rec room or whatever, and he'd settle close to me, inside my personal space. I don't remember if it made me uncomfortable. There was a lot about that time period I've blanked out that had nothing to do with him, so some stuff has just gotten lost, no matter why.

Our parents got married in June of 1980 -- he turned 16 in May. Shortly after the wedding was when he upped the ante on things, catching me unaware and kissing me, touching me. It was disturbing in the sense that he made me feel things I had no clue how to deal with, or express, or understand. I had no one to talk to about what was going on, and in fact I withdrew into myself for weeks -- hoping someone would say something to me, pick up on it, do something. No one did.


He didn't rape me, as such, in the sense that there was nothing violent or abusive. But I never knew/realized I had the option to say no -- and unfortunately I was at the age when kids start getting interested in sex. He took things slow and easy, careful not to scare me off by doing too much too fast. I was 12 and a half when he kissed me and fondled me the first time; I lost my virginity to him a couple weeks after I turned 13. We had a pregnancy scare at one point when the condom slipped off, and all sorts of other stuff. For a long time I was convinced I was in love with him (it was a kid's crush, but you know how those go).

My mom found out while I was in Europe, as an exchange student - that was the summer of 1984. In spite of the fact that all this went on for 2 and a half years, just down the (very short) hallway from her and my stepdad's bedroom, she swore she never knew. In spite of me trying for a couple of months in every way I could think of to let her know, short of SAYING "hey, Robert's doing stuff to me". In spite of me asking her point blank once "what would you do if I got pregnant?", she maintained she didn't know.

She read my diary. She and my stepdad split up while I was in Europe, and our house sold and they had to be out, so she and my sister packed up my room. And she read my diary which of course had all kinds of juicy details in it... and then she confronted me about it, blamed me for it, got angry with me, and bundled me off to counseling.

She blamed ME.

I never told anybody about it until I met a friend my sophomore year in HS who had a similar story, though in her case it was her older sister's husband. But for two years no one knew, because I didn't think I could tell anyone...and when the one person I wanted to know did find out, she turned it back on me.

Compared to what some people have experienced, mine wasn't so bad. Once my mind and my body synched up (and I will never, ever believe that 12yr olds are old enough to have sex) I enjoyed the sensations -- but I also wonder if some of it was just enjoying the attention. Because I was a geeky, gawky, all-alone new-girl-in-town with no friends and a mother who was too busy and too frazzled to pay me much attention. So I convinced myself I was okay with it. To be truthful, it's nearly 30yrs in the past, and like I said up above, I've deliberately blocked a lot of memories for other reasons, so it's hard to say.

But I felt like I couldn't say anything. And for everyone who's ever been in that position under ANY circumstance, my heart goes out to you. You have my support and my admiration, and if you ever need an ear and want to tell someone, you can tell me. I would be happy to be able to do that for you.

And now that that's out of the way, here's a link, of someone with an incredible survivor's tale: http://impertinence.livejournal.com/546310.html (Warning: Definitely triggery stuff in that post.)

Comments

[starweather.livejournal.com]

*hugs you hard*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darlin'. *hugs you back*

In a very weird turn of events, I actually found him on FB a week or so ago and messaged him. He emailed back and apologized to me for any hurt he'd caused all those years ago. That was actually...good.

[without-me.livejournal.com]

Wow. I wish the "any" in your description could be replaced by "all the," but still, some acknowledgment is better than none.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

In a perfect world... :) But I'll take what I can get. At least he acknowledged he did wrong.

*hugs you*

[annella.livejournal.com]

*hugs hugs hugs* I have been reading stories like this all day - different circumstances, different people, but all these people opening up about these terrible things that have happened to them in the past and I just... I want to give everyone a massive hug, or if they're not into hugging, then just a general WOW, YOU ROCK because seriously, I can't imagine how hard it would be to open up about things like this.

♥♥

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetheart. It's not so hard now, but it took me a lot of time and counseling to get there. (Not to mention I'm mildly freaked out by the idea that I've been dealing with something for *thirty years*, eep.) If hearing about my experience makes it easier for someone else to talk about theirs, I'm happy to do it. Happy to listen, to encourage, to do whatever I can.

And I'm happy to accept any and all hugs you want to toss this way :) *snugs*

[poisontaster]

One of the things that makes the political personal about all of this IS that so many of us have been in a situation like this, where we didn't know we had right of consent or that right was taken from us--whether by violence or by the simple assumption that other people had the right to make decisions about what happens to bodies that did not belong to them, that belonged to us.

I remember throwing a female-space gathering with family and friends once--it was twenty-some women, all told--and realizing that, of all of them, only TWO had not been raped, molested or in some other way sexually assaulted. Me, my mother, and my aunt were not one of those two.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

I told someone earlier, in chat, or email, I can't remember now... that I'm more surprised now when I hear someone hasn't been molested/assaulted/something in some way, than when I hear they have. And that's just heartbreaking, actually. :(

Really makes you want to ask what the hell is wrong with this world, and the people in it, doesn't it?

*hugs you tight*

[locknkey.livejournal.com]

As a parent don't understand how a mother can blame or not believe something like this. My son is five and I am already trying to teach him about bad touch and how to say no and be heard and that it's okay if he's uncomfortable with something to say no long and loud, not matter if the it is an authority figure. That we don't touch peoples private areas without their permission.

As attempted rape victim I was unable to yell out for help in house full of people. If someone hadn't walked in, I wouldn't have stopped it. I'm not weak willed and I've never had trouble saying no, but when I wasn't being heard part of my mind just shut down, kept telling me it was going to stop any second. I got lucky and I never reported it for all the reasons women don't. I was dressed to entice, I had been drinking, I left willingly to someplace more private. There's part of me still that knows that my body was plenty responsive even as I was crying and the no was coming out of my mouth. There's part of me that excuses him, nice guy, drunk, he apologized afterwards - still doesn't change the facts, but part of me wants to excuse what happened and I feel guilty about that too.

Thanks for being strong enough to share this and for listening. :)

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thank you for listening to me, and for feeling safe/comfortable enough to share your story. *hugs*

There's a part of me that to this day excuses what my stepbrother did by saying, "but I enjoyed it" or "he was alone and hurting too" or "at least it was with someone I knew who didn't hurt me". Maybe one day we'll be able to both get past all our 'but's.

As for the mother blaming/not listening...I don't know. I guess the same way for anyone else: you want to believe the best in a person, not the worst, and when confronted with the worst, sometimes we don't behave very admirably. Other than that, I got nothing :(

[fufaraw]

&hearts

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Right back atcha, honey :) *snugs*

[shinycuba.livejournal.com]

Very brave that you spoke up about it (to your friend, but even now with this post) - it's horrible that he took advantage of you in such a matter. So sad that this has always happened and is still happening to so many children :(

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thank you, honey :)

It sucks balls that it still happens to so many children, and I wish I could protect each and every one of them. Hopefully sharing my experiences, and educating my child (and by extension, his friends) will help. *crosses fingers*

[ninhursag.livejournal.com]

I hate that we all have stories like this and I hate that people (and you specifically) feel like they have to say 'mine wasn't so bad'. I just... *hugs* you're an awesome person.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs back*

It would be really awesome to get to a stage where not only do some of us have to put qualifiers on...but that we don't have the experience at all. Hopefully one day. *hopes*

[fleshflutter.livejournal.com]

I just want to give you a hug. *huge huge hugs*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thanks, honey. *hugs tight* :)

[pocketfullof.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing that; very brave. *hugs you*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Jen. *hugs back*

[golden-bastet.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that your mother wasn't there for you.

I am glad that you've been able to address it, and work through it, and get yourself to a place where you're able to deal with it. And to reach out to other people who have been in a similar place.

:hugs hard:

[brighton-girl.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Hate that you experienced that, especially being blamed by your mom and I'm glad you can talk about it.

I think I've been very lucky in my life. *hugs you again*

[cereta.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}} I'm so sorry he did that to you, and that your mother let your down like that.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

*tons of hugs*

[rivers-bend.livejournal.com]

*hugs you some more*

I just... it kills me that almost everyone I know has a story like this.

[twasadark.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that you experienced this. &hearts

[epeeblade]

*hugs* I am really sorry about this:(

[rainbow.livejournal.com]

*fierce loving hugs*

i often wish i could whack your mother over the head with a cluebat until she realises exactly what she did to her child. this is one of them.

[rahaeli.livejournal.com]

THIS, so goddamn much. THIS THIS THIS. Just ... arrrrrrgh.

[alasse.livejournal.com]

*hugs you like crazy*

I love you, hon.

[verabell.livejournal.com]

*bigbig hugs*

love you.

[benitle.livejournal.com]

I really admire you for coming forward and sharing your story, darling. *hugs tight*

[maerhysetc.livejournal.com]

♥ And many, many hugs.

[faunaana.livejournal.com]

♥♥♥

My mother told me that since there was no penetration in my case, it wasn't so bad.

OY VEY.

~hugs~

[clumsygyrl.livejournal.com]

i have a similar experience. i wish i could say more but even 18 years later i still can't put it all into words. *hugs*

[azephirin.livejournal.com]

You're an amazing woman, and I'm proud to call you my friend.

I too would like a turn r/e your mom and the cluebat.

[fickwalker.livejournal.com]

Many people I love have survived sexual assault. Thank you for speaking up.