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mickeymMatthew came out a few minutes ago, well over an hour since he said goodnight. Curious, I asked, whatcha doing out here? And he said, picking up my order that they dropped off at the wrong door. Me: what order? Him: I was hungry so I ordered Taco Bell. This, after he drove Madisyn up to Arby's a couple of hours ago, because SHE was hungry.
I asked him why no one asked me if I was hungry, or wanted something (I wasn't, and didn't, but not the point). He said, "Mom, the reason we sometimes order food and don't tell you, is because if we do, then you want something, and we just don't have the money."
Then MAYBE, Matthew, you shouldn't be ordering out.
What I said to him (apart from how fucking mean that felt, "but I'm not trying to be mean, Mom") was that I give every. single. penny. of my SSI money to this household, in some form or another. Either we overdraft my checking account so we can buy groceries, or it goes into the rent. All of it. I don't ever get to keep any of my check, or any of the money my mom and sister send. Hell, my foodstamps go to buy the three of us groceries -- and half the time I don't get to pick anything the least bit indulgent (like ice cream), because heaven forbid I get to spend any of my money on ME.
"But all of my monthly check goes to rent and utilities and stuff," is what he said. Yes, Matthew, but you also have a job. Also, as long as his monthly check is deposited into his Chime account he has... myPay? Or something like that? I don't know, Chime confuses the hell out of me. But he has that, and the Spot Me thing, plus A JOB. Which, he'll get his first paycheck this coming Friday. But meanwhile, he can draw against it, and Madisyn can draw against hers through some program Hardee's uses, and then I feel like a fucking IDIOT because I went begging for rent money -- which my sister ended up covering for me -- and they're buying Taco Bell and Panda Express and Arby's (no, not all this week, but still).
Or it's, "well, we don't have the money because we have to buy gas for the truck." But they can find the money when it's something they want.
Donnie and Megan...I don't know. I'm going to assume they feel the same way, because they'll randomly come out of their room at night, and say, "just out here picking up our order," or words to that effect. But Matthew said "we all", so that seems to indicate all four of them.
He still didn't understand why I was so upset. It's nothing to do with a couple of burritos and tacos from the cheap menu. It's that I'm seldom included unless I ask, and that does feel like I'm pushing my way in. And no one wants to feel like that's the only way they'll ever be included, to shove past the barricade. But they don't seem to mind when I beg for money for rent, or groceries, or to keep the fucking utilities turned on. No one seems to mind benefiting from that. (And Madisyn has grumbled about that almost as long as she's been here, but she's never not accepted the help I'm given for us.)
So my question, at the end of this long ramble is this: am I wrong to feel hurt by this? am I wrong to feel it's unfair of me to want them to at least ASK me? I guess it's less hurtful, maybe, to have them decide to order something when they're in their rooms, than to sit out here and decide while I'm sitting and listening and knowing they're not going to ask me.
And here I was, musing on FB how I'm probably going to stay with Matthew and Madisyn rather than look for a place on my own, because this is not a safe time for me to try living independently. I don't want the current administration deciding I need to be institutionalized because I can't take care of myself.
x-posted on Dreamwidth and Livejournal. Read and comment wherever you wish.
I asked him why no one asked me if I was hungry, or wanted something (I wasn't, and didn't, but not the point). He said, "Mom, the reason we sometimes order food and don't tell you, is because if we do, then you want something, and we just don't have the money."
Then MAYBE, Matthew, you shouldn't be ordering out.
What I said to him (apart from how fucking mean that felt, "but I'm not trying to be mean, Mom") was that I give every. single. penny. of my SSI money to this household, in some form or another. Either we overdraft my checking account so we can buy groceries, or it goes into the rent. All of it. I don't ever get to keep any of my check, or any of the money my mom and sister send. Hell, my foodstamps go to buy the three of us groceries -- and half the time I don't get to pick anything the least bit indulgent (like ice cream), because heaven forbid I get to spend any of my money on ME.
"But all of my monthly check goes to rent and utilities and stuff," is what he said. Yes, Matthew, but you also have a job. Also, as long as his monthly check is deposited into his Chime account he has... myPay? Or something like that? I don't know, Chime confuses the hell out of me. But he has that, and the Spot Me thing, plus A JOB. Which, he'll get his first paycheck this coming Friday. But meanwhile, he can draw against it, and Madisyn can draw against hers through some program Hardee's uses, and then I feel like a fucking IDIOT because I went begging for rent money -- which my sister ended up covering for me -- and they're buying Taco Bell and Panda Express and Arby's (no, not all this week, but still).
Or it's, "well, we don't have the money because we have to buy gas for the truck." But they can find the money when it's something they want.
Donnie and Megan...I don't know. I'm going to assume they feel the same way, because they'll randomly come out of their room at night, and say, "just out here picking up our order," or words to that effect. But Matthew said "we all", so that seems to indicate all four of them.
He still didn't understand why I was so upset. It's nothing to do with a couple of burritos and tacos from the cheap menu. It's that I'm seldom included unless I ask, and that does feel like I'm pushing my way in. And no one wants to feel like that's the only way they'll ever be included, to shove past the barricade. But they don't seem to mind when I beg for money for rent, or groceries, or to keep the fucking utilities turned on. No one seems to mind benefiting from that. (And Madisyn has grumbled about that almost as long as she's been here, but she's never not accepted the help I'm given for us.)
So my question, at the end of this long ramble is this: am I wrong to feel hurt by this? am I wrong to feel it's unfair of me to want them to at least ASK me? I guess it's less hurtful, maybe, to have them decide to order something when they're in their rooms, than to sit out here and decide while I'm sitting and listening and knowing they're not going to ask me.
And here I was, musing on FB how I'm probably going to stay with Matthew and Madisyn rather than look for a place on my own, because this is not a safe time for me to try living independently. I don't want the current administration deciding I need to be institutionalized because I can't take care of myself.
x-posted on Dreamwidth and Livejournal. Read and comment wherever you wish.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-11 10:02 am (UTC)If you've made the commitment to live together, you gotta take care of each other, and sometimes that includes little things like getting someone a treat.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-12 10:47 pm (UTC)But yeah - that's just damn rude. Maybe they should be the ones scrambling for the extra cash a few times, instead of you every time.
*hugs*