beyond horrorific
Aug. 9th, 2010 07:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mickeymI came across this link while reading my flist -- thank you, Carys. I'm actually still crying a little, eyes still tearing up, not only because a child, little more than a baby, is dead...but for the societal contributions to the man who killed him.
What it Says About Us When a 17-Month-Old Boy Is Beaten to Death for "Acting Like a Girl"
It's still early in the investigation and there are naturally more questions than answers at this point. Doubtless, facts and details will emerge about Pedro Jones along with the very real possibility that he endured horrors of his own that helped craft what he later became. It's too early to paint him as a monster, or at least as a one-dimensional monster. With few exceptions, monsters are made, not born. They are still monsters, but they are carved with the hurtful blows of many sharp chisels, over many years.
At the very least, his own violent psychopathology notwithstanding, someone, somewhere, taught Pedro Jones that the worst thing a little boy can do is act like a girl. In the end, it matters precious little when or where he learned it, because a 17-month-old toddler ultimately paid a terrible price for that lesson.
On Sunday night, his little body wracked by agony, blackened with bruises, beaten within an inch of his life, gasping for breath in a world suddenly full of more pain than he could bear, his little light flickered and vanished into the darkness.
When Matthew was born, I bought him toys I thought he would enjoy playing with. I didn't care if they were gender-specific or gender-neutral: he had trucks and stuffed animals, a couple dolls, books and games. I was looking to stimulate his mind and help him grow, not worrying about if he "should" or "shouldn't" play with something. When he cried, I comforted him. He had a pacifier until he was nearly three, and I only got rid of it because I was more concerned with it affecting his teeth than if it made him seem "weak" "babyish" etc. He still has a blankie, and stuffed animals on his bed. When he was four or five, Matthew started being interested in cooking and "house stuff". Doug grumbled, but we bought him one of those little play kitchens, and a toy vacuum cleaner. I found a high chair for one of the dolls, and for a couple of years Matthew cooked and cleaned and fed his baby -- in between racing remote controlled cars with his dad, or smashing hotwheels together, or playing good guy/bad guy. I remember very distinctly sitting at the dining room table during a visit with Doug's brother, and Matthew telling Uncle Dan that he loved him, and wanted to marry him, and Dan saying something to the effect of "boys can't marry boys" -- and me telling Dan that Matthew was a very young child who was just expressing his love for his Uncle, it had nothing to do with being a boy, etc. He said the same thing once about a little boy he was friends with in daycare -- and I practically had to gag Doug in order to explain that Matthew was just expressing he liked his friend; it had nothing to do with anything else -- and SO WHAT IF IT DID.
I've never told my son, "boys can't do X" or "only boys should do X". When he said to me once that he shouldn't cry because he's a guy, I said that was BS. Crying happens if we're hurt or overwhelmed or happy -- and emotions aren't limited to gender. If you need to cry, cry. There's nothing to be gained by not crying, and feeling like you can't do it because of your gender? Stupid. As is anyone who tells you you can't express yourself by crying.
I am so saddened for the young woman who lost her son to a brutal attack that happened because our society is so hung up on gender, and what's appropriate or not for that gender. How do you even assign appropriate/not appropriate to the behavior of a 17mo old child? How the hell can ANYONE say a child that young is acting "effeminate" (or masculine, or anything else)? At that age, most kids are just starting to put a couple words together, and are still happy with big, colored blocks, or balls, or Barney the Dinosaur. They're BABIES. There's nothing feminine, masculine, etc., about a child that age. They haven't developed enough to show those traits.
I'm going to read this article to Matthew later, and then I'm going to hug him tight and be very thankful he's alive and well, and comfortable enough with himself to still snuggle with his blankie, or cry in front of me when he needs to, and to confide in me the couple of guy-crushes he has. And I'm going to say a prayer for the children growing up in this world, that we're able to change ideals and thinking before it's too late.
What it Says About Us When a 17-Month-Old Boy Is Beaten to Death for "Acting Like a Girl"
It's still early in the investigation and there are naturally more questions than answers at this point. Doubtless, facts and details will emerge about Pedro Jones along with the very real possibility that he endured horrors of his own that helped craft what he later became. It's too early to paint him as a monster, or at least as a one-dimensional monster. With few exceptions, monsters are made, not born. They are still monsters, but they are carved with the hurtful blows of many sharp chisels, over many years.
At the very least, his own violent psychopathology notwithstanding, someone, somewhere, taught Pedro Jones that the worst thing a little boy can do is act like a girl. In the end, it matters precious little when or where he learned it, because a 17-month-old toddler ultimately paid a terrible price for that lesson.
On Sunday night, his little body wracked by agony, blackened with bruises, beaten within an inch of his life, gasping for breath in a world suddenly full of more pain than he could bear, his little light flickered and vanished into the darkness.
When Matthew was born, I bought him toys I thought he would enjoy playing with. I didn't care if they were gender-specific or gender-neutral: he had trucks and stuffed animals, a couple dolls, books and games. I was looking to stimulate his mind and help him grow, not worrying about if he "should" or "shouldn't" play with something. When he cried, I comforted him. He had a pacifier until he was nearly three, and I only got rid of it because I was more concerned with it affecting his teeth than if it made him seem "weak" "babyish" etc. He still has a blankie, and stuffed animals on his bed. When he was four or five, Matthew started being interested in cooking and "house stuff". Doug grumbled, but we bought him one of those little play kitchens, and a toy vacuum cleaner. I found a high chair for one of the dolls, and for a couple of years Matthew cooked and cleaned and fed his baby -- in between racing remote controlled cars with his dad, or smashing hotwheels together, or playing good guy/bad guy. I remember very distinctly sitting at the dining room table during a visit with Doug's brother, and Matthew telling Uncle Dan that he loved him, and wanted to marry him, and Dan saying something to the effect of "boys can't marry boys" -- and me telling Dan that Matthew was a very young child who was just expressing his love for his Uncle, it had nothing to do with being a boy, etc. He said the same thing once about a little boy he was friends with in daycare -- and I practically had to gag Doug in order to explain that Matthew was just expressing he liked his friend; it had nothing to do with anything else -- and SO WHAT IF IT DID.
I've never told my son, "boys can't do X" or "only boys should do X". When he said to me once that he shouldn't cry because he's a guy, I said that was BS. Crying happens if we're hurt or overwhelmed or happy -- and emotions aren't limited to gender. If you need to cry, cry. There's nothing to be gained by not crying, and feeling like you can't do it because of your gender? Stupid. As is anyone who tells you you can't express yourself by crying.
I am so saddened for the young woman who lost her son to a brutal attack that happened because our society is so hung up on gender, and what's appropriate or not for that gender. How do you even assign appropriate/not appropriate to the behavior of a 17mo old child? How the hell can ANYONE say a child that young is acting "effeminate" (or masculine, or anything else)? At that age, most kids are just starting to put a couple words together, and are still happy with big, colored blocks, or balls, or Barney the Dinosaur. They're BABIES. There's nothing feminine, masculine, etc., about a child that age. They haven't developed enough to show those traits.
I'm going to read this article to Matthew later, and then I'm going to hug him tight and be very thankful he's alive and well, and comfortable enough with himself to still snuggle with his blankie, or cry in front of me when he needs to, and to confide in me the couple of guy-crushes he has. And I'm going to say a prayer for the children growing up in this world, that we're able to change ideals and thinking before it's too late.
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no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:19 pm (UTC)I can't understand how someone could be so vicious.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:25 pm (UTC)I actually feel sorry, in a way, for the young man who did this, if only because there are some very obvious issues at his core. I'm willing to bet he grew up in an intensely homophobic atmosphere, where his masculinity had to be proved early and often, or else. It doesn't justify at all what he did, and he should definitely be punished for the crime. But he also clearly needs counseling, and a lot of it.
Sadly, I doubt he'll get anything of the sort while locked away, and whatever he might get will no doubt be influenced by the conditioning of prison.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:37 pm (UTC)Sadly, you're right.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:41 pm (UTC)♥
Matthew is really lucky to have you as a parent.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:45 pm (UTC)Thanks, darlin'. *hugs some more*
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:43 pm (UTC)I know first-hand something of that, because Doug was (probably is) ashamed/hurt by the knowledge that his son "isn't right", because of the Asperger's. That Matthew is wired differently. He never was able to admit that it wasn't something Matthew would grow out of, even after we got a diagnosis.
I wish there was a way to just wave a wand and eliminate narrow-mindedness. Sadly, I don't think that's likely.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:46 pm (UTC)But I'm evil.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:55 pm (UTC)Continue to be evil, please. I love knowing you're out there in the world, spreading evil gleefully ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:46 pm (UTC)My son - five yrs. old - has shoulder length hair.
Last year we went round with his teacher about several little boys who persisted in name calling - primarily pointing and calling him a girl. My son had brought it home and I beleived after speaking to him it was being handled in class. After the one time he didn't bring it up again.
A few weeks later, I actually observed the behavior in class as I was volunteering. My son raised his hand and told the teacher that the other boy was calling him names. The teacher turned to my son and said, "Well, tell him you're not." End of interaction.
After class, I spoke to the instructor. I told her that considering that the school has a manual almost an inch thick telling students to bring bullying behavior to an authority figure, I didn't think her response was appropriate. She might as well have told my son not to bother her. The other child was not told that his behavior was inappropriate which also sent the message to him that bullying was acceptable - not only to him, but the other boys who had previously engaged in similar behavior.
She tried to defend it by saying that since my son has long hair that the other boy couldn't really be blamed for thinking.... I cut her off. I explained that this was beside the point. The other little boy was name-calling. I asked if it would be okay to tease a little girl if she had short hair and wore tee-shirts and overalls. The teacher looked appropriately appalled then. This continued to be and issue with parents and classmates over the year. I spent a lot of time shoring up my son's confidence and asking him if he wanted a hair cut, that it was okay with me, if it would make him happier. Five yr. olds are not capable of fighting gender-stereotype battles alone and I couldn't be with him all the time.
The next day I told the teacher if she heard the words penis and vagina in her class, it was because I explained to my son why boys are boys and girls are girls. The teacher did tell me she had a talk with the class about the fact that apparel and style choices did not make someone either a boy or a girl. It wasn't enough, but it was something.
I have been criticized in public and questioned about why I don't have my son's hair cut. It's his choice - period. When my son wanted to paint his fingernails - we did. That same day, we went for coffee and a hot chocolate. As we went to get out of the car, he was nearly in tears. When I questioned him, he said he didn't want anyone to see his hands. He didn't get it from me, didn't get it from Dad, but has already learned to be ashamed of something that makes him happy if it doesn't fit a certain stereotype. We spent a long afternoon people watching and talking about how the various people we saw had different styles and that it's important not to let someone steal your happiness because they don't approve.
I've watched as I volunteer weekly in the kindergarten class, the little girls hugging and holding hands and expressing physical affection. By five most of the boys have learned that this is inappropriate male behavior and it makes me sad beyond telling. My son was one of the few last year who ran out and hugged me after class. Nearly all the girls did, but only a handful of the boys did.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:00 am (UTC)I think it's great that you let your son wear his hair long. I always kept Matthew's cut short simply because he wouldn't sit still for brushing/combing (a sensory issue thing), so it was necessary to have him wear it so I could manage it with a minimum of fuss and tears.
I wish I could tell you that it'll get easier for your son as he gets older, and further in to school. Unfortunately, the older they get the more the 'pack mentality' takes over. Matthew's been very fortunate in his friends -- but some of that, I think, is he looks for people who fit in to what he's been taught at home.
It's so sad that even as young as four or five, boys are already seeing/sensing/learning the message that it's not okay to be physically affectionate :( I hate that a lot.
*hugs you tight*
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:12 am (UTC)he looks for people who fit in to what he's been taught at home. probably becasue he's had a strong role model. It's obvious you really think about your parenting choices and the impact they'll have. I hope I can help direct my son to be positive about himself and support those around him who are different. Parenting is hard. :)
::Hugs back::
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:24 am (UTC)Sometimes I don't think as carefully as I should, but overall I think I'm doing okay :) And thank you :) I think you're doing a kick ass job, myself.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:00 am (UTC)Yeah, sure,one time msitake to have struck that baby before and gotten awya with it. Riiiight.
w. t. f.
I wish child murder due to abuse triggered the death penalty automatically. Yes, maybe the perp was also abused, but when you move from victim to perp, you're responsible for that choice -- and making that choice means I want you out of the gene pool and off this planet.
xxoxox
Carys
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:14 am (UTC)If I thought violent offenders like this one could be successfully rehabed, that'd be one thing. But this guy isn't much more than a kid himself, and he's obviously got some serious issues going on and it's anyone's guess if he could be rehab'd. I honestly don't see the point in allowing murderers to sit in prison for decades at a time, or on death row for decades -- if they've murdered, then that's it. I have no problems with old testament-style justice.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 01:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 12:31 am (UTC)I don't think he's likely to change his ways or his thoughts, though, so for that I agree: no compassion, no mercy.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 06:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 09:02 am (UTC)Our world needs more parents like you. Seriously, you are championship-class there.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-10 10:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 11:05 am (UTC)I haven't been on LJ for a bit but when I do I usually have a glance over your page 'cos you always have something interesting to say.
That poor child *shakes head* I don't know what the world is coming to. It's so frightening just how much violence and malice there is.
You, on the other hand are just, unspeakably wonderful. I wish my parents who are very conservative and reserved, had been as easy to talk to and open and honest with me as you are with Matthew. Maybe I would have known who the heck I was before half my life passed me by. If I ever get to be a mother I hope I can be even half as awesome as you obviously are.
Matthew is very lucky to have you.
*hugs tight*