educating the next generation

[mickeym]

Anyone who reads this journal even semi-regularly knows my stance on talking to my kid and sharing information. I keep it to small bites at a time, since his attention span is only about <> big, and I keep it age-appropriate, but I feel -- always have -- that I'm not doing him any favors by shielding him from stuff, no matter what that 'stuff' might be, or how unpleasant it might be.

I sat down tonight with Matthew, and talked to him about what all went on this weekend, and why I was inordinately cranky and withdrawn. I'd flip-flopped on whether or not I was going to say anything, but one of the skits on RAW tonight (yes, wrestling twice a week *g*) involved one of the wrestlers getting up into a woman's face and doing the whole physical intimidation thing. The woman is not a popular character (most people boo and yell whenever she appears), and there were no doubt a bunch of different things the writers were intending to get a reaction for, but after an entire weekend-plus of discussions and comments and posts about non-consensual things, and sexual assault, and survivor stories... it was too much. Add to that was Matthew sitting there chanting, "do it! do it! do it!", and I told him to turn off the TV and get comfy, because we were going to talk.

I laid it all out for him. Gave him the background info, explained the differences between professional conventions and fan-run cons, and about safe fannish space etc., and then told him what went down, as people pieced events together. Explained to him how I wouldn't bring him with me any more, like I did in '08, because he's too much a guy now, and I wouldn't do that to my fellow con-goers. I told him about my experience with sexual assault and why I'm so adamant that he needs to wait a while longer yet before having sex. I told him I expect him to be a responsible, caring person if he ever EVER sees a woman (anyone really, but the focus of this conversation was women, natch) in trouble or if he suspects she might be in trouble. "I don't like to get involved in stuff that's not my business," he said, and I told him it was his responsibility in certain situations TO get involved. Call the cops, make sure the people don't leave. Whatever it takes.

Asked him if he would get involved if it was Ruby or Sophie (his cousins), and he said yes. I said that every woman is someone's sister, cousin, aunt, mother...and every woman deserves nothing less than to know someone will come to her aid if she needs it, and not just if someone is taking advantage of her sexually, but in any way. (Had to tie it back into why the skit on RAW upset me so much.) That it is NEVER OKAY for anyone to intimidate anyone else, or make them feel afraid or uncomfortable, and unfortunately it happens a lot with guys intimidating women.

This wasn't the first time we've discussed this, and it won't be the last time, but each time I think he gets a little better understanding (I hope) of what it means for a woman to have to navigate her way through what is still, in so many ways, a man's world -- and the dangers we face every day, doing so. I'm hoping to instill in him a sense of responsibility to look out for people in general, because it's the right thing to do.

And now, I think I'm going to go collapse. What a bunch of days this has been, hasn't it? *dies*

Comments

[kashmir1.livejournal.com]

♥

[chase-acow.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad there are parents like you in the world. I just wish there were more who were willing to sit down and talk with their kids.

I think this week has to get better, right? Geeze, I hope!

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Back atcha, hon :) *snugs*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

I worked with a guy at my last job who has two kids. His oldest is just a couple years younger than Matthew. And I would share my 'misadventures' with my coworkers (we all did, it was cathartic *g*) and talk about some of our discussions. And this coworker of mine just couldn't believe that I would answer any and all of Matthew's questions. I asked him what he did when HIS kids asked him serious or uncomfortable questions, and he said he would change the subject or tell them they didn't need to know, or something. Blow 'em off. I was amazed. Completely amazed.

Then there was one of my female coworkers. Her daughter at the time was five, which is plenty old enough to know the proper names for body parts...but on the RARE occasion the topic came up, girl parts were "muffins" and boy parts were "sticks". O_O

I really fear for the future, with some of these kids. (And their parents!)

I also really hope this week gets better, because oi.

[chase-acow.livejournal.com]

I really wish my mom would have actually talked to me like I was a person instead of a daughter-shaped bundle of questions. I muddled through my teens and early twenties, but I know that I could have made better choices if I had been better informed (and less ashamed) about some of the serious and uncomfortable life questions that she avoided.

I substitute teach, and some of the kids make me really wish that I could show up to parent/teacher night with a thumpin' stick.

[hunters-retreat.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

All I can say, is that as a fellow mother, I love you. I love that you have the strength to talk to your son about such a sensitive issue. I love that you do it and know that you'll be doing it again and again until it gets through. I love knowing that you don't shy away from the hard issues because its so easy to push it all aside and pretend that we don't need to do it just yet.

You are an amazing person, an amazing woman, and an amazing woman. Thank you for letting me get to know you here.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Heh. Dude, I SO wish my mom had, too. I got the standard "where babies come from" (using the book "Where Do I Come From" as the main prop) speech -- she gave it to me and my sister at the same time, so I'm not even sure how much my sister got out of it, really, since she's nearly three years younger than me. I got a *brief* bit about my period (but that was covered primarily by an after school presentation at school). And that...was pretty much it.

Matthew and I have been having discussions about anything and everything (and I do mean that literally -- one time he asked me how two women could have sex O_O) since he was old enough to HAVE conversations. I always gave body parts their proper names, and I always, always answered his question with the level of info I thought he could handle. Now, because of his Aspergers and ADHD, his attention span is seriously tiny, so I meant that when I said I give it in bites. Everything gets broken down, because he's so literal I can't assume he's going to "get" something without knowing the whole background first. It gets exhausting sometimes, but eh. It is what it is, right?

I'll bet being a teacher is an eye-opening experience...and not necessarily in a good way. More power to you :)

[annella.livejournal.com]

I wish all mothers were like you. I really do. Your kid is lucky to have you. ♥♥♥

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* Thank you, honey. I just--it's a big, big, scary world out there, y'know? I want him to be as prepared for it as I can -- and because of his Aspergers, he doesn't have the ability to just know things and pick things up like so many kids do. I know you can relate to that.

Life is never dull around here, that's for sure :)

Thank you again :) *snugs*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Well, you guys don't see the times when I flip my shit and yell, or get cranky and pissy with him. *embarrassed smile* But I'm doing the best I can, and I'm lucky to have HIM. He's a pretty good kid, when it comes right down to it. (Incredible ability to drive me batshit insane notwithstanding *g*)

[without-me.livejournal.com]

You're pretty amazing, Kim.

[hunters-retreat.livejournal.com]

I'm worried about the same with my son. Thankfully he's only 6 so I have a while before I have to worry about how his autism affects the way he treats people on that level.

I just hope I can handle it all as well as you have. *Snuggles*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* Thanks, honey :)

It's kind of funny (ironic, not amusing) that I'm finding it easier to raise my boy without his dad around. Never thought I'd say that and mean it in terms of actually rearing Matthew, as opposed to struggling on my own. But yeah.

[azephirin.livejournal.com]

Incredible ability to drive me batshit insane notwithstanding

I'm pretty sure that's a commonality among most offspring. :P (Now that I'm thinking of having a kid, my aunt is like, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WATCH OUT FOR THE KARMA BUS!") Srsly, I think the way you talk to Matthew is really admirable—I wish more parents were as forthright with their kids.

[missyjack.livejournal.com]

what a brilliant woman and an awesome mother you are.

[rainbow.livejournal.com]

this is one of the things i most admire about you, kim, that you take the time and shove down any embarassment and answer matthew's questions truthfully and forthrightly.

that is an amazing, awesome thing to do -- and so few parents seem to do it.

*LOVELOVELOVELOVE* *SNUGGLEHUGSOFDOOOOOOM*

[fufaraw]

I like you. I like the way you operate.

[starweather.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

If it helps any, I think you're a wonderful mother. I think Matthew is very, very lucky to have someone like you. And I am so glad that you sat down and talked to him about things like this - I wish more parents did. Maybe the world would be a better place. I love you for being strong, and being straightforward, and for putting one foot in front of the other and giving every day your all.

[brighton-girl.livejournal.com]

*pets you* You've gone through so much this weekend. I'm glad you are raising a good man.

[cereta.livejournal.com]

Thank you. As the mother of a girl, just...thank you.

[kashmir1.livejournal.com]

Also? I just want to say that you remind me a lot of my mom in so many ways -- and I mean that as a huge compliment. My mom is, to this day, one of my best friends and while yes, we have our conflicts but at the end of the day I couldn't ask for a better mother and I don't think Matthew could either. He is so incredibly lucky to have you, darling.

[tabularassa.livejournal.com]

♥