well and truly pissed off

[mickeym]

Matthew wanted Avery to come over and play this afternoon, and I said yes, with the condition that they play upstairs. Then they came and asked if Avery could stay the night, and after some consideration I said yes, but they would have to make do with what we had in the house + pizza delivery, because I wasn't going to go out tonight. No problem, they said, we'll stay upstairs, too, out of your hair and you can watch TV downstairs.

At 9:25 I decided I'd watched all the "Forensic Files" I was in the mood for, and snagged another slice of pizza and a bottle of water to come upstairs, ready to surrender the living room.

They were IN MY BEDROOM, with their shit spread ALL AROUND.

MY BEDROOM.

I was so pissed off I was shaking. Still am, actually. Pissed off. I don't think I'm still shaking. I made them clean it up on the spot and then we took Avery home. And Matthew just doesn't get why I'm angry. "You've let us play in here before", he says. And yes, I have. But the few occasions have been when I *offered*, or he asked permission. It's not so much that they were in my room, as that they were in here without my having any knowledge or having said it was okay. I just. *God*.

Those of you out there who are parents, in particular, parents of tweens and teens... am I overreacting, here? Or would you be equally unhappy -- and do something like cancel the sleepover, as I did?

I'm just feeling kind of violated, here. I have dirty underwear and pajamas laying on my bed, for heaven's sake, and stuff strewn around, because I hadn't gotten around to cleaning up, up here. ARGH.

Comments

[softbluebuddy.livejournal.com]

You are not out of line at all and you are absolutely within your rights to be upset and to call off the sleepover.

I would have reacted exactly the same way and maybe even worse.

[munibunny.livejournal.com]

I totally get where you're coming from... Kids don't think. It's like, when they hit their teens, their brains stop functioning logically. *sigh* It's your space. You have a right to your privacy. Hopefully, that's clear to Matthew now.

*hugs*

[aislinn-tredor.livejournal.com]

It's not just you.

My mom is the same way, NO ONE is allowed in her room without her express permission unless it's just me or my sister.

Friends, or even family, a parent's bedroom is a NO GO zone.

Hell, if my sister took her friends into my bedroom I would be pissed straight to fuck.

[quiet000001.livejournal.com]

I think it'd be different if you had a policy of them being allowed to go wherever all the time, and then suddenly got peeved about it.

But if they're not normally allowed in there, then to go in without asking is very rude. (I don't think I ever went into parents' bedrooms when I was a kid, barring the occasional time when I was staying over at my best friend's house and she had to do chores anyway, and I was helping her carry laundry.)

[taselby.livejournal.com]

You're not out of line at all. My room is absolutely off limits (as are siblings' rooms) to the kids' friends unless they ask permission for something specific (i.e., "X is in the front bathroom -- can Y use yours?" or "can I use the computer to show X that [specific thing]?"). Once upon a few months ago, Mim had a friend over for the night, and while Mim was taking a shower (mine is the only working shower), she had set her friend up on the computer to play around in iTunes.

I walked in on this, asked Friend (very calmly) What She Was Doing On My Computer (which was actually playing in iTunes *g*). Once she recovered herself, I explained to her and Mim that YES, I had on previous visits let them use my computer with my supervision and permission,and that my permission and supervision were required every time. And then I chased them out of my room.

Personally, I felt more amused/irritated than violated. They were suitably contrite and actually seemed to understand what they had done wrong and why it's important to respect my boundaries, so I didn't send Friend home.

But in your situation? I totally would have sent the kid packing. And a future overnight invitation would be a long time coming.

[gabilady.livejournal.com]

I don't know how old M is, so I'm not sure how I would react. I would have been peeved, but I am a pushover (a little) and would have just told them to go elsewhere. We have kids here from the neighborhood all the time, and I do mean everyday, so I'm pretty used to children being in all corners of my house.

It's a hard way to learn a lesson, but you have to be tough from the get go. You probably did the right thing.

[rejeneration.livejournal.com]

I raised my two baby sisters. I'm not a parent, but I took on a pretty serious parental role and then, when I was old enough to move out on my own, I took the girls with me. I am trying to be objective here, baby, but I think that if you had allowed them to play in there before and they were trying to behave, as you already said, give you the living room, be quiet, etc. etc. then ... maybe it's not such a big trespass? I mean, did they ruin anything, break anything, damage anything? Are we just talking about the mess you can expect from two tweenage boys? Were they digging through things, were they into things they shouldn't have been? I guess... I kind of would have put some of the responsibility on myself to be sure they weren't where they weren't supposed to be, you know?

In answer to your question, even if I hadn't given them permission, I definitely wouldn't have cancelled the sleepover. The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime for me. =(

-soft hug- I'm sorry you feel so badly.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Thanks. We talked, and I know he still doesn't *get* it, but he understands (I think) that next time, he needs to ask first.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how clear it is, but I'm pretty sure he understands now that he needs to ask, first.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Always, always, when I was growing up, my folks' bedroom was off-limits, unless we were asked to take something in there (laundry, etc). And it's not even that I wouldn't have let him -- his CD player in his room apparently isn't working, and they wanted to listen to music on my computer. It was the not asking.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Nope, nothing sudden. I have allowed them to go in there in the past, on occasion, *with permission beforehand*. Never just a 'help yourself' scenario, since as I told Matthew, my bedroom is the only place in this house that is MY space, exclusively.

[dine.livejournal.com]

I don't think you over-reacted terribly - they may not have violated the spirit of your arrangement, but
your bedroom isn't public space, and Matthew needs to figure that out; I know there are some comprehension gaps sometimes, but this is one place where drawing the line and enforcing it wasn't out of line.

just because you ok'd them being in your room in the past on specific occasions doesn't grant blanket permission - I hope he understands that eventually.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

But in your situation? I totally would have sent the kid packing. And a future overnight invitation would be a long time coming.

Thank you. (Confession time: you are like, the parent I want to be. Strive to be. Seriously. You're just...so good at it.)

To be honest, now that I'm thinking about it, part of the reason I took Avery home was because Matthew *wasn't* getting it. In his mind they wanted to listen to music while playing, his CD player didn't work (news to me) and so they just relocated. Never even occurred to him that he should at least say 'hey, is it okay?' Add to that the fact that lately he's been telling me what he's going to do (or not do) rather than asking...

*headdesk* But thank you for the support. *clings*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

He's 14...and while I'm perfectly okay with him and his friends in the living room, kitchen, hallway(s) and his bedroom, that's what makes my bedroom that much more *my* space... because it's the only place I can really call my own. I don't mind letting him in my room once in a while, if they ask permission ahead of time. Now that I've had some time to cool down and process everything, I think it was that combined with a bunch of other stuff, and the straw that broke the camel's back.

Also? Love your icon, and so very, very true.

[taselby.livejournal.com]

Thank you. (Confession time: you are like, the parent I want to be. Strive to be. Seriously. You're just...so good at it.)

Aw, babe. I just stay weird knowing that they will eventually rebel against me. (They've got me outnumbered. Once they realize this, I'm toast.) You're doing fine. Stay in there, stay involved, don't lose your sense of humor and DO NOT sweat the small stuff (and like the man says, most of it is small stuff).

Add to that the fact that lately he's been telling me what he's going to do (or not do) rather than asking...

Oooh, I *hate* that. My kids try that, and I give them The Eyebrow and ask if they'd "care to rephrase that in the form of a question." (And sometimes it's really not a big deal, just informing me about routine goings-on, and I let that slide. They know the difference.)

*headdesk* But thank you for the support. *clings*

{{{hugs you tight}}} It will be okay. Remember that it's not your job to provide an ideal childhood. It's your responsibility to produce a competent adult.

[azziria.livejournal.com]

Your space is your space, and should be respected as such. Setting boundaries is important, especially at that age.

I would have reacted just as you did, and then when I'd finally calmed down I'd have had a serious talk with the child involved about boundaries and why I was so upset about what happened.

[pensnest]

I think you were right. Matthew needs to learn rules and boundaries, and it's going to be more difficult for him than for most children. I think it was a good call to send his friend home: if it takes a hard lesson to make the lesson stick, well, that's what it takes.

[fleshflutter.livejournal.com]

Darling, you're entitled to your own space, even as mother. It's not an over-reaction at all and it's a good lesson for Matthew. ♥